Changes in Me

In Chinese, there's a proverb that says "It's easy to change the country, but it's impossible to change one's behavior or attitude", yes?

I think I've changed. Maybe in the aspects of taste or music, behavior wise, I think I am still that awful witch, same as ever.

Okay, I will list out some facts about me, and one day in future, I will review back and see did anything changed.

1. I don't drink coffee. Won't drink. Can't drink. I prefer tea, with sugar and milk.
   
2. I like spaghetti. 
3. You know vegetables, they come with stems and leaves. For most veges, I only eat the stem. Only certain veges I eat the leaves. Weird right?
4. Other than eat and sleep, reading novel (particularly historical romance) is one of the must for my daily routine. I read before I sleep, and after I wake (to reboot my brain). 
5. I like re-reading and re-watching. I lost count how many times I re-watch Iron Man and re-read Julia Quinn's novels.
   
6. I cannot tolerate stupidness. I am short-tempered. I often lose control and regret afterwards. 

Let me elaborate a bit in Point No. 6. I cannot tolerate stupidness because when god created me, he totally forgotten patience and temperance. If I care for you, my tolerance limit will stretch wider, but if you are just a normal acquantainces, please don't blame me. I regret it when I cannot control my wrath and offended or hurt you.


Last time I used to love chocolates. But now, I think it's too sweet. Dark chocolate is too bitter. So I maintain minimum intake. Ice creams too.

Multi-tasking mode doesn't exist in me.

Okay, now keep calm, take a deep breathe and list down the things going on in my brain.
I mean the list of projects or paper on-going.

1. A proposal for Indoor Air Quality Monitoring
2. Flood Forensic for Kelantan
3. A paper on Long Term PM10 Trend
4. A paper on Ozone vs Temperature 
5. My Literature Review (which can be divided into chemical compositions, modelling, climate, sources, effects___FML FML FML)

My literature review is the worst of all. How can you force one people to finish it in a limited time? I thought LR is done in stages, where you add in whenever you encounter some new fascinating things?

I know doing all these is for my won benefit, for my own good. But please, I cannot concentrate doing one while keep on worrying for another.

What my Research is about?

My major is Environmental Technology And Management. Oh both of my Supervisors argued a lot for my major. One opting for Chemical Sciences, one for En. Tech and Mgt.

What is my project is about?

In simple words, my project is to find out what is in the air. In the air we breathe in, there are particulate matter. Particulate matter so fine that they can enter our lungs and live there as long as they like. As you all know, in small dosage, it won't bring any harm, but if you breath in the same pollutant, small dosage, but everyday, can you imagine the effects?

My job is to identify each and every chemical present in the particulate matter. Then, from this compositions, I find the sources, means find who or where this pollutant was mass produced.

We blame other countries for the haze, the haze really come from there? You sure? Not from the non-stop burning of trashes in out backyard?


Yes. My research is that simple. Not inventing new technologies to clear up all pollutants or come up with great theories or equations. I made it a rule to not produce any mathematical equations that can be utilize universally. It's a sin for school students. *winks*
(Actually, the reason is I am not that capable. I am not Einstein or Hawking. I am not that observant to be Newton or Archimedes either).

That's all bout my explanation of my research.

My job now, other than my own project, I am involved in other projects. Voluntarily or involuntarily, I have to do it. I have to write journals. I have to attend conferences and write proceedings. Which is very hard. But from now on, these are my main job scope.

Take or leave.

The Road Taken

The road taken, or the road not taken?

Oh gosh. This blog is ancient. I am sorry for neglecting you bloggie and I am sorry I blogged only when I am feeling not that fine. *not in terms of health

Okay, back to the title of the day. The Road Taken.

I am twenty-five this year. Not that young anymore, not that old either. But some friends or more accurately acquaintances of my age, they already have their family. Lovely little kids. Warm and sweet.

Sometimes I feels like I wished I could be like them. A simple girl, not asking for much, not dreaming for much. Not that attention seeker (yes I am, and finally admitting it), not the kiasu bitch. Just a simple girl, marries, work as a clerk. Went home and cook for my husband, stay at home and do housework (I am quite a good cook and I do keep my room clean and tidy).

But sadly, I am not that kind biddable girl. I am the one that always want to be better. Not the best, maybe the second-best. The shallow chit that likes luxuries. The silly dreamer that really thought that she can change the world.


Sorry, out of topic, back to the point. I am 25, and I didn't get a job after graduating my bachelor degree. Instead, I apply to further my studies. Another 3 more years. And not at overseas universities, but in a quite not-that-developed town in Terengganu. Because I want to work under my supervisor, and stay in my comfort zone. Coward.

I am in a stable relationship for 5 years (still ongoing) and my beloved is working in Singapore. It's not that far away, not that near either. And he needs to work, means not much holidays or leave. When I was still in my Bc. degree, I don't think long-distance is a problem. Maybe it's because he i still studying and there's not much happening around, and I have my roomies here with me. But when he start working, we talked more often, and he visits more often and thus, makes me more dependent and always asking for more. Sometimes I feel it's quite unfair for him because he have to suffer along due to my selfish decision of continuing my studies. But still, he never complaint, just show his never ending support. I am so lucky that he loves me because I believe there is not other that can do the same.

I asked myself all the time, what am I doing my PhD? I got a few ready answers.
1) Because I don't like to work in an office, with the same chores everyday.
2) Because I can?
3) To make him proud? To make them proud?
Only the last reason is more logic and legit (I always keep this to myself), to save the world. To make the world a better place. It's a big dream.

 I am always contradicting myself. I studied about environment, how to protect them, keep the world clean, preventing pollution, treating waste, but I used non-environmentally friendly products. All the time. I thought about it all the time and find that I can't be an actual environment activist. But I really hope I can reduce pollution.

And so, I chose this road. PhD. Nice to hear. Nice to see. Dr. Fong. In reality, it's not that nice. I exchange this with my most precious asset, TIME. I am stranded here all alone. No more roomies, no more bestie. No more boyfriend. I missed so much. But I hope my choice will bear the fruit. I hope I won't regret when I harvest the fruit of the tree I planted today.

I chose this road, and I will not envy the others. I am born not to be meek and gentle.

I am repeating to myself everyday. I can do it. It's worth it. Nothing good comes easy.


FML. I can type 700 words for this blog but I can only write 100 word for my literature review. Well done.

Crisis? Oh god! My prophecy!

My research partner just drop me a sad news. Me and him, call him Brother Sam, planned to apply for the myphd scholarship after our graduation. This scholarship will cover all our tuition fees throughout the postgraduate course duration with monthly allowance of RM2300. With this scholarship, we never bother about anything and just think of study study and study. Then, the scholarship changed the terms and now we cannot apply anymore.
Can things be any worse?

And while typing the title for this post, I recalled the prophecy that I get from the prayers in a temple in Hong Kong. I asked whether I can grad my PhD without much barriers or obstacles. The answer I got says tat "I may lose something and I may be very sad, but in the end, everything will works out accordingly."
Oh please, I cannot handle suprises and shocks.

God help me.